Supporting a Loved One
It’s very difficult to watch someone you love suffer through something as painful as an eating disorder. I have been on both sides of the issue— disordered myself, and loving someone who was— and I can tell you that it is no fun for either side.
The hardest thing is to accept that there is very little you can do, in any concrete sense. You can’t make the ED go away. You can’t force the person to eat. What you can do is be there to listen, to be supportive, and to constantly communicate to the person how much you love and care for zir. People with EDs tend to need constant reassurance, and they also tend to have a very hard time asking for help. You need to ask them how they are feeling, show that you are there to support them, and try to be as good a role model as you can be.
For someone you suspect has an eating disorder, you have to first be aware that this person is probably in denial and also, that ze doesn’t want to hear it. An ED is a coping mechanism that people turn to when they feel out of control in their lives; to admit that the ED is also out of control is very difficult and very painful. Be prepared for the person to get angry with you or to blow you off. This doesn’t mean that you haven’t had an impact. The person will remember that you cared enough to speak up and that will be a huge factor in making zir move into recovery, whether it happens immediately or not.
If the person is over 18, the best you can do is take zir aside and lovingly state your concern. Be careful not to be confrontational— that will only push the person away. Speak calmly and inform the person that you’re worried and you think ze may need help. If ze is open to the conversation, suggest helping zir find a place to get counseling or provide zir with some hotlines to call. If not, be firm in saying there is a problem but don’t get caught up in an argument. Inform the person that you are there for zir and that you only want to help. If ze is still angry, give zir some time to cool off. Remember that the anger isn’t personal; the person will feel threatened and react instinctively, whether it’s merited or not.
If the person is under 18, do all of the above and also consider informing zir parents. I say “consider” only because in some cases the parents may not be equipped to support their child (e.g., they are abusive, they don’t believe in therapy, they are absent or negligent, etc.). In general, however, informing the parents is an important step, because they are the most capable of getting their child help. I will tell you right now that the person with the ED will be VERY angry if you do this. It may well end a friendship for a short while, depending on how long the person takes to realize you were acting in zir best interests. Keep in mind, though, that your choices are to stay silent and watch the person hurt zirself or speak up and risk losing zir in order to ensure that ze can heal. In the end, the friends that can speak up are the very best friends and the ones that the person with the ED will remember and trust for a long time. If you don’t feel capable of informing the parents, though, which is very understandable, try talking to a teacher or a guidance counselor at your school, who will contact the parents for you. In fact this is often the best approach, as it is their job to handle situations like this.
While it is very important to be there and be supportive for your friend, make sure that you do not become zir therapist. This will drain you and strain your relationship, and since you are (probably) not trained as a therapist, it’s better for the person to speak to a professional. It’s hard for a person— any person— to move into therapy, as therapy can be a long and difficult process and has a societal stigma attached to it. Still, it is necessary for the person to do so, and your job is to be supportive (and sometimes nagging) about the process. The bigger the support network, the better chances for recovery, and a therapist is pretty much the keystone of any support network.
Really the best thing you can do throughout all of this is to keep yourself informed. If you haven’t suffered an ED yourself, it can be hard to understand the mindset, but it’s important to have a general idea of what the person is feeling and experiencing. Also, not to scare you, but read up on the signs of heart attack and stroke. In the absolute worst cases, it could be important to know.
Here is a link from something-fishy.org on helping a loved one: http://www.something-fishy.org/helping/whatyoucando.php
